If you’re reading this blog article, I just want to start off by saying I appreciate you taking the sacred time out of your day to read my words. All too often, in this fast-paced world, I forget to take a moment to appreciate what is happening right now. So, right now, my current pondering is how grateful I am to have readers like you coming over to this space and spending time with me and my thoughts.
This blog post I have decided to do, rather sporadically, as I feel as though I am being pulled in so many different directions. The noise in my head currently is overwhelming: there’s so much to consider. The imminent moving in of our cottage has got me feeling all sorts of feelings, but, to name a few I am feeling: excited, anxious and exhausted. I have one million ideas in my head of how I want our home to look like but recognise that everything takes time. I am aware that our home is not going to suddenly be accessorised to the nth degree, but, I feel the need to be considering these things. The location of my vintage terracotta jug from Etsy should not be at the top of my priority list right now, but I cannot help but allow these minute details to take dominance in my head when I contemplate the cottage. Do you get what I mean? I feel pulled by both ends of the spectrum: on the one hand I want to be intentional with adding pieces to my home and for the most part feel confident in that standpoint. However, I also want our cottage to feel like a home, furnished and accessorised to beautifully compliment the space. You may be thinking – and I don’t blame you for it – that these are meagre worries in the grand scheme of things and, although I do appreciate that analysis, it’s just been so long for us without having a place to properly call home that I am just ready for it now. For example, three Christmases on the trot we have gone on holiday within the UK as we haven’t had our own space to decorate and enjoy the sleepy days of Christmas. When I think of Christmas this year I am already putting pressure on myself to handcraft the decorations, create a beautifully luscious door wreath and consistently bake delicious food for ourselves and guests to enjoy. Please tell me you catch my drift here, am I alone in this constant whiz of perfectionism? Surely not.
Equally, as the weeks whittle on by, I am becoming more and more aware of the crazy reality that, yes there is an actual baby in my womb which will be here in less than 7 weeks (48 days). Yikes, that is insane. I am so ready to meet our baby girl that I just want her here right now. Equally, because of the traumatic birth I had with Olivia, I am feeling overwhelmed with anxiety as to how I will feel following the birth. When I think back to the day of birthing Olivia via forceps delivery, I was on cloud nine. Equally my body kept reminding me of the intense reality of what trauma my body had physically gone through. I was bleeding, bruised, exceptionally sore and hooked up to various drips. Every time I clambered (rather awkwardly) out of the hospital bed to check on Olivia, I had to battle with cords, pain and the fact I wanted to retain my modesty in a busy ward. Because this time I am having a planned C-Section, I know that it will be different and although the certainty of the procedure is reassuring, I have absolutely no idea what to expect when it comes to the recovery. Again, like with the ideas about the house, I am letting my thoughts, the hypotheticals get the better of me. Please don’t interpret my words as complaining though, I just feel the need to share the stark reality of my emotions right now. In the paradoxical reality of social media we do not usually see the nitty gritty of how people feel and so that is why I am examining this on this safe space, to open up a conversation about how we truly feel and what we’re really thinking.
Finally, I feel as though I have so many ideas for this blog, I am brimming with optimism and concepts, I just keep letting the tidal wave of fear cascade over me, sweeping me along as time passes by. I envision this space being a place where honesty is upheld and we share in our appreciation for slowing down. However, right now I feel as though I am living a life that is totally the opposite of slow. Although I do think that sometimes it is important to cut yourself some slack, like it states in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8:
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to throw away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.
Maybe right now I am in a season of worry, of intense life changing events and need to accept that it is okay to not be perfect at everything all of the time. It is okay to stumble, worry and retreat inwardly when we need to reassess things. I am a firm believer that the quote above applies to everything in life, such as creativity. Creativity comes in waves, we can’t expect ourselves to consistently be channeling the same level of energy towards a particular goal. Yes, it would be amazing if we could but, let’s be honest, if we did we would just end up burning ourselves out. I suppose, after my musings, and if you’ve managed to make it this far; we just need to give ourselves the grace to be who we are, right now in this moment. We need to love ourselves and be patient. If we cannot do this for ourselves, then how can we possibly do this for one another?
I am planning on embarking on my journey of Bible Study on this space (and Instagram) as I feel drawn towards God’s Word. I am looking forward to properly examining the Book of Ecclesiastes in the coming weeks and sharing my thoughts with you. Let me know if this is something you’d be interested in.
How’re you feeling right now? What sort of season do you find yourself in? Maybe these two questions could act as useful journal prompts.